Teaching in Memphis

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time…there just hasn’t been much good going on in my classroom. I’m burned out, the kids are driving me crazy, and I’m homesick. I know its bad, because my mastery levels have actually increased a little bit–and I don’t care. I need a break.

The week after Thanksgiving was MISERABLE. I mean, the absolute worst week I’ve had all year. The door to my classroom was vandalized–the window was broken and the frame ripped out–while I was in the room. Of course the kids ran, so we have no idea who did it. That was Monday.

Tuesday brought the first of three major incidents with students. I was cursed out twice.

Wednesday I was cursed out again. This time in front of an administrator. And somehow she decided that it was my fault. Even though the bulk of the exchange was “S, please sit down and start your work.” And he says “F*** you Ms. Norris, I’m so f-ing sick of your s***.” And somehow, that was my fault.

Friday brought another similar incident, although luckily this time there was no administrator and I handled it much more calmly.

Sunday night found me in tears–major sobbing tears–because I didn’t want to go back to school. Luckily I have great friends who talked my down and got me through this week.

I ran into our executive director at Starbucks on Tuesday (which happens at least twice a week–we both like to work there) and when he asked me how I was, I pretty much lost it. I’m usually pretty good at putting on a smile and telling the TFA staff that things will be fine, but this time I just couldn’t fake it. I told him that I was exhausted and miserable and homesick and that I was really missing Institute–I missed the support that I had there. Going from an amazing Institute experience with an amazing CMA and a CMA group that was like a family to being the only corps member in a Memphis inner city school was shocking, and somehow, its only now–16 weeks into the school year–that I’m realizing how much I miss the support. So long story short, our ED got worried about me and called my CMA, who called me.

I spent 30 minutes on the phone with my CMA tonight and I feel SO much better. He reminded me of how I was at Institute–inspired and energized and invested in teaching–and I realized that I need to get back to that. My kids here in Memphis deserve the same teacher that my kids in Houston had, and I’m not that teacher right now. I need to get back to being that teacher. Don’t get me wrong–my kids are learning–but my heart isn’t in this. I’m burned out. I need to find a way to get back to being that teacher. I don’t think its going to happen overnight, but I’m hopeful that after Christmas I can get my kids and myself invested again, and make my classroom–and myself–less miserable. Because I can’t have another week like last week. I can’t spend every Sunday night literally crying myself to sleep because I have to go back to school the next day.

I’m feeling better now. I’m realizing that while I may not have a TFA support system at my school, the support is still there–I just have to be willing to pick up the phone and reach out. I need to stop trying to do everything myself and I need be able to leave my job at school. I need to become a person again instead of just a teacher because that will make me a better teacher.

I know this is a depressing post, but I am hopeful that things will get better soon. I hope so for both my sake and that of my students.

Overhead on the intercom today for the 4th time this year…

“Attention, security. We have some thugs in the hallway on the North End. Im’ma gonna need you to pick up the thugs and take them down to 101 Poplar. Again, there are some thugs in the hallway.”

101 Poplar, by the way, is the Memphis jail.

This week has been incredibly difficult. Definitely the most difficult so far. My kids are still testing me, giving me a lot of attitude, and some refuse to do their work. Actually, that’s only a minority; however, that minority in each class manages to disrupt and terrorize the others. I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone with parents. I’ve explained map scale at least 500 times. I’ve coached children through map projections, despite the fact that they were supposed to have learned them three weeks ago. I correct grammar.

A gem from one of my 2nd period students when asked to write about role models: “I do not have a role model because I am a thug. I am too grown up for role models.” (He is, by the way, 14 years old).

For the first time this week, I actually thought about quitting. Actually took the time to consider it. There have been days this week when I did not believe that I could do this. I didn’t want to do this. Actually, right now, I still don’t want to. But I will not quit. I will complete my commitment. It will get easier. This is what I hear, anyway.

For the first time this week, I kicked kids out of my classroom. It honestly became a “sacrificing one for the good of many situation.” The two kids that have had to leave will not shut their mouths. They talk back. They refuse to work. They distract other students. Each day, I head them (and several others) off at the door and give them a pep talk, hoping to curb their behavior for at least 55 minutes; in most cases it works. With Reginald and Titavius, it did not. So they had to leave.

I’ve had two near-fights in my classroom this week, each completely un-foreseen and totally unprovoked. The first was in my 6th period, where a girl decided that she didn’t like the way the boy behind her passed his paper forward and proceeded to attempt to smack him, despite the fact that he has a foot and a half on her. That one was broken up by another girl literally grabbing Shanice while I convinced Chris that ne needed to leave the classroom. The second was today in my 5th period where a girl “didn’t like the way that other girl was looking at her” and proceeded to threatened and push her. For absolutely no reason. That one ended with me basically pushing one girl out the door and locking her out of the classroom while another teacher called security. It was incredibly unnerving.

These kids are angry. They have major anger issues and they no other way to let it out except through physical violence, yelling, profanity, and insolence. It is incredibly sad and incredibly frustrating. In addition to teaching my kids the subject of Geography, I am attempting to teach them survival skills for life—little things like shaking hands, not fighting, and using correct verb tenses.

However, in spite of all the troubles, this week has had some small triumphs. My victory of the week has been Anthony, a quiet kid who is just out of Special Ed. Anthony tries hard and genuinely wants to succeed. This week, he came in for tutoring after school and I realized that Anthony does know the material—it just takes him a little longer to find answers in his head. He has also made up every homework assignment he has missed and is re-taking quizzes in order to bring his grade up. Anthony is going to make it, and I am so proud of him. The students like him are the reason I get up and go to work every day. I have an Anthony in every class; in some classes, I have several. Its hard to lose the great kids in dealing with the troublemakers, but I am trying to stay aware of the amazing work that most of my students are doing.

I still don’t think I’m a very good teacher; I have a lot to learn about instruction and classroom management. But if I can teach my kids to sit quietly during a test and turn in their homework, I have will have given them a sense of responsibility. If I can teach them enough for them to be able to make A’s and B’s—and for some, even C’s—I have given them the opportunity to believe they can achieve. If I can convince that they ARE capable and they are NOT stupid (as so many have been told by every adult they have ever known), I will have instilled in them the idea that they can do more with their lives them deal drugs or be a teenage mom. I will not get there with every child, but I can with most. That is what I have to stay focused on if I am going to make it through the next two years.

To give a quick update:

I finally have desks and my classes are leveled! However, most classes still have at least 30 kids in them, which is a lot when you’re trying to bring students up 2-3 grade levels in a year.

For the most part my kids are eager to please and hard-working. However, I have a few who give me major classroom management issues. These kids are jaded and cynical and have no desire to learn. I am racking my brain trying to figure out to invest these kids–they need to learn as much as, if not more than, the others. The thing that really bothers me about these kids is that they keep other children from learning. That is NOT acceptable in my classroom. I told my kids today that they worse crime they could commit was to keep other students from learning and I meant it.

They stared at me blankly. So much for investment.

I give my first Unit assessment on Friday–the first test of my success as a teacher. I think that I’m more nervous than the kids are. Good grades and high mastery would not only show that I’m being somewhat effective–it would also put me on the road to reaching my Big Goal for the year. I am determined that I WILL meet my goal–I believe in the power of positive thinking.

Inner-City schools are not good places to be as a student or a teacher, but I am determined to create change in them. I will continue to work for my students–if they are going to change their paths in life, they need a teacher who believed in them. I will be that teacher.

I have been a teacher at Melrose High School for one week.

100% of my students are African-American or bi-racial. They are all from the heart of inner-city East Memphis because they are from the Orange Mound neighborhood. For those of you who don’t know, Orange Mound is the second-oldest African-American neighborhood in the nation (Harlem is the first). However, unlike Harlem, there has not been an Orange Mound “Renaissance.” My students are poor, are incredibly far behind, and have seen and experienced things that 14- and 15-year olds should not have to deal with.

I saw my classroom for the first time about two weeks ago. It is a small, un-air-conditioned room with no ventilation and windows. It has two chalk boards and not much else. We’ve been in school with students for one week and I still only have 21 desks in the room, despite the fact that most of my classes have at least 30 kids in them. I am told that more desks are coming; however, I’ll believe it when I see it.

The staff at Melrose has been extremely kind and helpful. Our 9th Grade Academy principle is an amazing leader and educator who is a part of New Leaders for New Schools, an organization that is similar to TFA, but recruits those who want to be principals. Have a NLNS principal means that she not only believes in the same principles of TFA–that every child can learn and that every child will learn with good teachers–but also that she has given me a lot of autonomy in my classroom and a lot of leadership opportunity around Melrose.

The best part of the past week was meeting my students. For the most part, they are delightful and hard-working. Some need a little more motivation that most–they clearly were not expecting to be working the first week of school and definitely were not expecting to have a quiz on the first Friday!–but for the most part, I think they are going to be fun work with and eager to learn. I am daunted by how far behind they are. Even my Honors class is behind. This week was spent “diagnosing” my students. (This is the TFA term for finding out where students stand academically.) I gave 3 diagnostics: a 7th grade geography exam which asked students to identify all of the continents oceans, plot points with latitude and longitude, map and chart reading skills, and some basic economics; a writing diagnostic where they were asked to write a well-organized 5-paragraph essay about their favorite place in Memphis; and a United States identification test (which is a 4th-5th grade standard).

Most of my students are not sure where North America is on the map, cannot differentiate between physical and political maps, can correctly identify 3-5 states, and do not write in complete sentences. On Monday, I will lay out the goals that I have set out for them for the year: 80% mastery of ALL geography state standards, 100% identification of the states by Christmas break, and essays scoring 5 out of 6 on the Memphis City Schools rubric. These are BIG goals, but I believe it can be done with a lot of hard work on my part and theirs.

I did not have nearly as many behavior problems as I expected to have the first week; however, the grace period is over, and I’m expecting more issues to arise. I do have some students who simply do not want to work and resent that I expect them to work harder then they have ever worked in school, and these students are already causing behavior problems. However, I have systems in place for management and I will not let these students run my classroom. They will quickly find out that I’m not scared of 15-year olds, no matter how “white” or how young I am. (My kids cannot get over the fact that a young, white woman would choose to work at Melrose. They haven’t yet figured out that I don’t scare easily.)

One week down, 35 in the classroom to go. Fall break is in 7 weeks, and I already can’t wait.

As I thought about what to write in reflection to Institute, I realized that I could not express the experience as well as Jaclyn Suffel (Memphis CM ‘07, Jackson MS–TFA Houston Institute 2007) did at closing ceremonies. Following is her poem which perfectly expressed the many emotions, fear, falls, and triumphs of the summer:

I wish you were here
By Jaclyn Suffel

This is a dedication of appreciation for all of us for the sacrifices that we made this summer and the sacrifices we will make the next two years. This is so that we may never regret what we have done with this summer, even for a moment. What we did was great, brave, and beneficial, and none of us should ever look back, even for a minute and think otherwise.

You sent me a post card
From your European vacation
That you got for graduation
When you arrived in Portugal.

I get it in my mailbox
At 6:50 to a school bus
Lugging
a thousand pounds
Of books and hopes
Of Do Now dreams
Of future things
That I now fight
for my students
to own.

In my bag
Lugging now with me
A thousand pounds
of fears and worries
Of urgency and a step that’s hurried
Because time is now more precious kept
Than it has ever been.

“I
Wish
You
Were
Here.”

I gaze off into sandy beaches
Of the world’s farther reaches
Wondering what that life teaches
And thinking to myself-
No.
No.
I wish you were here.
I wish you were here

So you could see
Around the closed doors
And closed eyes
That make my students compromise
Dreams that many of us
Took for granted
Dreams that many of us were handed
Gift wrapped
Poverty slapped
Lacking for books,
Not for brains
Worn seams and stains
Walking home alone in the rain
Every single day.

I wish you were here
So you could see
The birth
the worth
the risk to dream
gleam
in the dark
spark
from “I’m stupid”
to I’m not only smart
but I am ready to start
I am ready to start
working,
because I’ve got a plan.

That sheepish smile
that says “I get it”
that makes your insides feel
like if you let it
they might just light on fire
with pride
they might just ignite
and you’d glow from the inside
out.
oh how

I
wish
you
were
here.

…and I might have been envious
Of your endless summer
But at 5:45 I cannot stop and wonder
What city you are in
Or what things you’ve photographed,
when we see our students map futures
Instead of following maps.
I will no longer wonder
If you are sleeping in
Because the time is now my friends
to begin.

So when people ask us,
What we are doing with our summer
Who we are going to be
What we are going to make
You tell them
With pride my friends
At any dinner party
At any double date
We make
Eyes wide
With futures now newly considered
We make minds wide
With potential dreams that defy fate
We make mind’s eyes perceive
Future schemes
That even the grandest of challenges
can no longer negate.
Plans.
Saying always now, “I Can”
Doctors, lawyers, vets, architects-
Together we make
Hope appear.

Oh,
How I wish
You had been here.

Two weeks into Institute and one week into teaching, and I already know that I’m where I have to be. The achievement gap became real this week—it got names and faces and became the students who walk into my classroom each day.

I’m teaching a rough group of kids this summer. I have 8th graders, ranging in age from 13 to 17; 16 are Hispanic, 1 is African-American. About half are in summer school attempting to go to 9th grade after having repeated the 8th grade. This is our Big Goal for the summer—to get to the 9th grade and be ready for college.

I say this is “our” Big Goal; really, this is my goal for them, and there are days when I have my doubts. As a teacher, it is my responsibility to make sure these kids pass; however, we are talking about 17 children who have been told for the entirety of their lives that they were “not smart,” that they “couldn’t learn,” or that they were “lost causes.” After 13-17 years of hearing this, most of my kids believe this, and are extremely resistant to learning. One of my students looked at me and said “What’s the point, Miss? I ain’t never going to college.” Another, one of my 16-year-olds, knows that the state will pass him to 9th grade because of his age, regardless of his abilities. My students walk into the classroom and look at me with hostility because they do not believe that they have the ability to succeed, and because they resent the white woman standing in front of them telling them they are smart.

Some of my students are extremely smart—yet they still don’t care. Some are in summer school because of attendance or behavior; some are there because they actually cannot read or write or do math. A, my best student, hopes to be either a lawyer or a college professor, yet he struggles with memorization. He works hard though. So does C, a 16-year old 8th grader who struggles with writing and has trouble recalling the many facts required of a history course. Then there are the opposite students—students like J and B, who have a high level of intelligence, but think that school is a waste of their time. They desire to be mechanics, and look at me every day and say “history is boring. What does this have to do with me?” These kids are my challenges, challenges I have not yet learned how to conquer.

Casey, my CMA, looks at me and my feelings of inadequacy, and reminds me that I have only been in the classroom a week. Yet, I only have three more weeks with these kids, and I need every moment I can. It is hard to stand in a classroom of students who don’t want to be there and stay motivated. However, I do because each night when I look at their work and see both the potential and the failure, I am motivated to keep pushing because I know these kids deserve a better life and that education is the way to get them there. The biggest challenge is not staying motivated, but convincing my kids that they deserve better—that they ARE better.

Jackson Middle School—or “Jackson Prison,” as it is known throughout Houston—is a rough school in a rough neighborhood. Gang activity runs rampant throughout the youth of Jackson, and not a day goes by where I don’t have papers turned in without gang symbols doodled in the margins or written defiantly at the top. Many of these kids believe these gangs are their way out instead of noting the sad truth—these gangs will be their downfall. In the past week, one of my students was expelled from school because she beat up a member of a rival gang and another of my students had a friend shot and killed in their neighborhood. This is the reality that these kids face every day, and school is supposed to be their haven. Yet it is not a place they want to come, because they resent hard work and being stuck in summer school.

There are good days and bad days in the classroom—days when I leave crying tears of frustration and days when I am excited because my kids have reminded me of their potential. Every day is different.

Outside of the classroom, TFA is full of amazing people. I have met people from all over the United States, and made friends that I can already tell will last a lifetime. We click instantly because we all share a desire to create change in an educational system that calls itself the “great equalizer” yet allows kids to get to the 8th grade without learning to read. We have bonded over lesson plans and classroom management battles and frustrating days in the classroom. We have seen other people get frustrated and quit—already, 5% of the people who started in Houston two weeks ago have gone home. However, the kids in my CMA group and members of the Memphis Corps have become an amazing support system for me. We commiserate at dinner and we have fun on the weekends—yet, even when we are out for dinner or drinks, conversation revolves around our classrooms and our commitment to our movement. These are people who are incredibly dedicated. Each day, I go to work with the future leaders of our country and feel encouraged for the future of the United States. We work hard and we play hard, and we are all committed to this movement and it’s mission.

After only a week in the classroom, I can tell that the next two years are going to be incredibly difficult and frustrating. Yet, they will also be rewarding. I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I know I should be doing. These kids deserve the same kind of life that their middle class counterparts receive and education is what will give them that. This is why I am working for Teach For America—so that “One day, every child in this nation will have the opportunity to attain an excellent education.” This is what TFA does—it is what those of us who are a part of this movement are.

TFA Blog, June 12, 2007

In the past ten days, I have traveled from Tallahassee to Memphis to Houston, met the fifty people who will be my support system for the next two years, gotten a job teaching 9th grade geography in an inner-city high school, secured an apartment, and found a roommate who is a fellow TFA Corps member. In the meantime, I have learned more about what it means to be a part of the Teach For America movement and what will be expected of my in the next four years. I have begun my training at the TFA Houston Institute and am continually overwhelmed with the challenge in front of me. In short, it has been an exhausting, exhilarating, overwhelming week full of mixed emotions and many highs and lows.

I arrived in Memphis on June 4 and went directly to Rhodes College where I checked into Glassel Hall. That night began our TFA agenda for the week with an opening reception attended by the 2006 Corps and representatives from Rhodes College. I met several of the 06 Corps members who were very welcoming and encouraging about the responsibility of the coming year. Because of the shear number of 06 Corps members, I was not able to meet everyone, but there will be time for that in the coming months.

Tuesday began with many sessions led by Brad Leon, the Executive Director of TFA’s Memphis. The 2007 Corps learned about operating as leaders in the Teach For America movement and the reality of the achievement gap in Memphis. It was a truly humbling and challenging day as we learned about the reality of what we have signed up for and reflected on the privilege in our own lives as college graduates. Later that night, we visited the Civil Rights Museums, housed at the Lorraine Hotel. As I stood on the site where Martin Luther King was assassinated on April 4, 1968 I was overcome with the realization that I have joined the Civil Rights movement. Many people believe that civil rights are no longer an issue in America, but this is not the case—if you do not believe me, simply compare the education received by the students at Rickards and Chiles high schools in Tallahassee. This is the achievement gap that we are fighting.

The week continued with orientation to AmeriCorps, visits to school sites, housing fairs, and job interviews. I will be teaching 9th-grade Geography at Melrose High School. Melrose considers the 9th grade to be crucial for dropout prevention among their students. I am excited and challenged by the prospect of helping students believe that they have the ability to not only graduate from high school, but also to achieve at high levels. More statistics about Melrose can be at found at http://www.mcsk12.net/admin/communications/Directory-Images/School-Profiles/MelroseHigh.pdf.

As I continue to write these entries, you will hear me use many terms and acronyms that are crucial to the TFA movement. I will attempt to define a few below, and will add to this list as my own knowledge grows:
Achievement Gap: The statistically-proven difference in the levels of education received by children growing up in low-income households in rural and urban areas and the education received by their more privileged peers.
CM: A Teach For America Corps Member, typically referred to by their year and region. I am an ’07 Memphis CM.
PD: Program Director. My PD in Memphis will guide me through the coming two years and monitor my progress as a teacher.
CMA: Corps Member Advisor, who is my coach and mentor during my time at the Houston Institute and a continuing resource as I move into my region. My CMA is the amazing Casey Parks, an ’03 New Mexico CM and a current Recruitment Director for the Great Plains Region.

I have been in Houston for three days. My days begin at 5 a.m. and run continuously until 9 p.m. at night. We are in sessions about lesson planning, classroom management, operating as an effective teacher, learning theory, and small group sessions led by our CMA in which we will critique our own teaching and learn from the example of others in the coming weeks. On Monday, I will teach my first class of 8th Grade United States History at Jackson Middle School in Houston. Jackson MS is 99% Hispanic and located in one Houston’s first Mexican neighborhoods in the Second Ward. I know that I will learn much from the amazing staff of TFA alums who teach the Institute and from the veteran teachers who teach at Jackson year round.

On Monday night, Opening Ceremonies were held on the University of Houston campus. Wendy Kopp, founder of TFA, challenged the 2007 Corps to join the fight to close the achievement gap and reminded us of the successes of previous CMs. However, it was the testimonies of three former CMs who told the inspiring stories of the significant gains made by students in their classrooms who had been labeled “hopeless” or “lost causes” by other educators. These stories reminded me that achievement is possible in the face of great obstacles.

The next five weeks are going to be long and exhausting. Each day, I am overwhelmed by my own incompetency as a teacher and weaknesses and biases as a person, but I am determined to overcome my fears and grow confident in my abilities so that I can be the best teacher that I can be. In a few short weeks, the 9th-graders of Melrose High will be depending on me to provide them with the skills and knowledge necessary to not only succeed in Geography, but to also give them a sense of purpose for their education and future. These students who I have not yet met but will soon be standing in front of are the reason I want to Teach For America.